I´ve been obsessively (Pluto) studying this aspect of mine and yesterday evening it all finally clicked. 

But let me start at the beginning. I was born with the Capricorn Sun in the 11th house squaring my Libra Pluto in the 8th house.

My experience

I´ve had issues with my father. He was a controlling father with insufficient anger management and he laid high standards for me and my brother in life. I remember, when he was at home, I rather stayed in my room, being hypervigilant of his presence all the time.

My whole life I´ve had big issues with any authority (Sun) that crossed my path. As a child, I´ve expressed my feelings openly, but as I got older, my expression went suppressed, becoming a constant boiling inner anger, ready to explode anytime (Pluto).

I have learned the strategy of not being seen. It manifested e.g. as people literally not seeing me as I stood in front of them, or people not seeing my messages/posts on social media, or not being recognised for my efforts, etc. 

It mostly manifested in a group setting (11th house). When I came up with an idea or expressed my POV, it was like people not hearing it, bypassing it, forgetting it or expressing some kind of dissonance. 

Even on social media, I used to delete my account regularly, or I was being inconsistent with my business posts. Although being very creative (e.g. I love making videos), I usually do not show my face on camera, or I do it in a very manipulated way so that people do not see my face clearly. 

But this aspect mainly showed up as a paralysing fear of being seen even when I wanted to do something better with my life. It prevented me from making progress. I´ve been in a constant, psychological fear to approach, connect or work with people. As if me being myself and authentic would lead to judgement, persecution, death sentence.

Do you relate, Sun-Pluto people? 

Realization

Now, yesterday it hit me. I guess the timing is perfect, as three weeks ago I went through a hypnotherapy session where a story unfolded. I ascended from the underground deep, dark isolating waters to the Sun, where I was being seen dancing by a crowd of people.

Three weeks after, I finally cracked the EGO persona in these patterns. I know there is trauma of not being seen for who I really am (by my father especially) behind this aspect, and I have healed that part. But becoming aware of the pattern manifesting in my everyday life is a whole other piece of cake. 

Behind all of that fear of being seen and being authentic, it´s just me having felt ENTITLED and SPECIAL my whole life. I´d been so watched, controlled and judged that all of that negative attention has settled in my body as a feeling of a twisted specialness.  

This realization is such a huge shift for me. It came as a relief. I don´t have to be special, I can enjoy being myself and being ordinary. No one cares. I want to experience joy and heartfulness in my life (that´s where my North Node lies, in Leo). I am unique in the gifts and talents I was born into this life with, but I am not special in my value. Everyone is unique and ordinary at the same time, and we all are on the same journey. 

What´s next?

As I am moving on, having finally discovered my purpose in life, I am being pushed out of my comfort zone to start working with people. In a „one on one“ setting, to be more specific. I know this is my path, and I know I have to have an open heart for this kind of work. Not feeling entitled and self-concerned anymore.. Maybe just a little bit guarded and vigilant 🙂 You know, Pluto always watches..